It's over, Jeremy

It's not you...it's your Calvins

Yeah, of course I watched The Bear. Binged it, in fact, over the course of two days (is that still “binging?” No matter.) And in fact I’ve watched the season finale probably a dozen times because that monologue is so brilliant and the ending….chef’s kiss….perfecto!!!

So perfect I couldn’t believe they would make a Season Two. But of course they did, because there was money to be made. And if that meant I got to watch Jeremy Allen White chopping veg in his apron and T-shirt again, with his furrowed brow, and worried, periwinkle eyes, sign me up.

I binged Season Two as well (this time in one sitting). And while I didn’t love it as much, I still enjoyed the character arcs and drama as they took Chicago Beef to the next level. And of course episode 6: the Fishes…Jamie Lee Curtis is getting an Emmy for that performance.

All of this to say, I love The Bear universe and greatly admire Jeremy Allen White as Carmen “Carmy” Berzatto, the tormented and obsessive young chef ever hoping to impress his dead older brother. Liked him in Shameless as well, although I didn’t find him so…attractive in that particular role.

OK. Yes. Part of the allure of The Bear for me (and I’m not alone here) was the hot chef thing. Made hotter because Carmy felt real. This could be an actual guy. Kinda funny-looking. We’re not talking Brad Pitt or Henry Cavill or Jason Momoa movie-star super-hotness. But neverthless sexy AF. His old-world face. Those curls. That nose. Those pained eyes. His compact frame. And those muscles underneath his white shirt. Not jacked. Nothing he’s tried too hard for. Just authentic, working man muscles. With light tats.

Uff….

…Let the middle-aged women have our quiet fantasies, OK? We keep the streaming platforms in business.

But today I see the Calvin Klein campaign. And just like that, my lust for Carmy is dead.

Oh yes, he looks amazing in his underwear. Look at that sixpack. Decent package, too, I suppose. No, really. He’s a superb male speciman. The lighting in the clip is glorious. The soundtrack is an…interesting choice, given his recent divorce. And the couch on the rooftop…OK. Whatever. Art directors’ gonna art direct.

But here’s my hot take: I’m actually kind of embarrassed for him. Millions of his fans already think he’s hot, he hardly needs to prove it by preening around in his chonies, pouting like a coquette and staring through the fourth wall with a come hither look on his bronzed face. All while the camera lingers at the choicest cuts of meat on his young, male body…Noooooo!!! Carmy??!! WTF dude?? Make it stop!!

My fantasy of a gruff, taciturn chef who prefers the back of the house to the spotlight is spoiled. Like Monday night’s fish special.

Now Jeremy Allen White is just another celebrity insisting we LOOK at him. Not as a great actor, which he arguably is, but as just another thirst trap.

My question is why.

Did he get ripped for this? I wouldn’t think he’d need the money or the notoriety. Back in the early ‘90s Mark Wahlberg was largely an unknown until his smokin’ hot sixpack abs were flung up on billboards across Times Square (a young Kate Moss didn’t hurt, either). You could say that Calvin Klein launched his movie career.

But JAW is already famous. He can have his pick of serious feature roles. Or whatever he wants, really. And he’s already a sex-symbol. Ask anyone who’s seen The Bear.

Why a Calvin Klein underwear campaign?

Anyway, while the internets are exploding over this advert, I’m done. I’ve seen enough. More than enough, actually. I’ll watch season three of The Bear whenever it drops with that much less frisson. I’ve already seen the chef in his undies.